| backbackan |
[January 15th 2009|8.04am] |
i wonder what it is about me that loves being the underdog?
is it the thrill and fun of the chase?
is it going all out, putting my heart on my sleeve and showing everything i got?
is it the rush and feeling that it gives me when i win, get what i want?
is it the thought of always being counted out and in the end coming out on top, triumphant?
is it the thought of surprising people and even myself?
i'm older, wiser and in a way more mature.
what if you're not having fun?
what if you go all out, put your heart on your sleeve and show everything you got and come out short?
what if i don't win, don't get what i want?
what if i don't come out on top?
what if i don't surprise people and just disappoint them and myself?
i still love those feelings but being the underdog is stupid.
being the underdog is stupid.
it's only fun when you win.
it's tiring.
especially when you're losing.
you can only do so much.
and you still have to catch up.
i'm tired. i'm losing. and the hole just keeps getting deeper.
i'll see what happens and what i can do.
i'm tired.
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| Senti Hits. |
[November 24th 2008|8.21am] |
Funny. hahahaha. :))
David Archuleta - Crush
Lyrics:
I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside..
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility that you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know..
Do you ever think when your all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cuz I try and try to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't goin away, goin away
Has it ever cross your mind
When we're hangin spending time girl
Are we just friends
Is there more, is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever, forever
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know..
Do you ever think when your all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it real or just another crush
Do you catch a breath when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cuz I try and try to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't goin away x5
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| tired and uninspired |
[August 24th 2008|7.37am] |
guess who's back?
i got a sudden surge in me to be able to blog. the ability to finally remember how to put my feelings and thoughts into words. i think? we'll see.
i don't know why, but i felt a bond when i watched, saw pictures, saw columns and such talk about the Senior Men's USA Basketball Team. yes, another basketball blog. but i'm not gonna take too much of your time. just read?
seeing them play their best, giving their all. seeing all their struggles throughout the game and all the highs of the game too. they played with all their emotions showing, wearing their heart on their sleeves. i bet the feeling they feel is amazing. even i felt it. how you ask? maybe i'm american or... you just have to look at it another angle or in their eyes. what would you feel when you get something you really wanted? something that has been in your sights for 4 years. something that you worked so hard for. something that took most of your time. and you know, while going through the whole process of trying to get that special and ellusive thing in your sights that all the wait, all the hardwork and all the sacrifices you make is worth it. and in just in a span of 2 weeks, you finally get it, you finally get what you always wanted. your emotions are on a high right now. you are overwhelmed with what you feel.
it's crazy, how can you not relate and feel?
congratulations to the Senior Men's USA Basketball Team.
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| the remix |
[July 26th 2007|10.21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
guess who's back?
i haven't blogged in a month. i haven't written anything worthwhile either. it's crazy, i got writers block or something. it's like i'll write a few lines and then i would leave it be. i have a theory, it's either i'm uninspired, apathetic and carless, cold or just plain lazy. maybe a mix of all?
anyways... life in general has been cool. it's been good. you know, when you just get that feeling of peace? like you're in your own sanctuary, moving at your own pace, watching the world pass by. get what i mean? it's like, everything good that doesn't need effort, that i need is falling right into place. like my friends, you can never go wrong with these guys. it's all fun and jokes. like my family, it's peaceful. maybe because of the way my attitude is and how i conduct myself?
there's a difference between things that i need are falling right into place. but things that i want is not quite just there yet. like my grades, it isn't as high as i wanted it to be, it's low. it's my last year, my senior year and i just want to go out with a bang. i watched Evan Almighty the other week and there was this really cool message there. it goes something like, if you pray and ask God for something, no matter how big or small, do you think he would give it to you in a snap? or wouldn't he want you to get opportunities to get what you want and work hard for it? it was something like that. it's really cool and it made me think. i don't want to sound too religious but i feel that it is like, little by little God is showing his plan for me. i dunno, but that's how i feel.
i failed math in the mid-term mark again, as usual. i got a D. it's not so bad, it could be worse. but maybe that's what he's telling me, it could be worse and i could be in deep with my parents, grounded and other possible parent punishment you could think off. maybe he's just telling me to do better and work harder. he doesn't want me to rely on stock knowledge and what i do in class and homework but he wants me to do more. even more so now, with College Entrace Exams coming up from left to right, he wants me to work hard, study, review, do exercises. i want to get into a good college? i pray for that every night. will he just give it to me? or give me opportunities to accomplish my goal? since i watched Evan Almighty, every situation i'm in, i think hard. i think off the opportunities God is giving me at a specific time. and i had a whole lot of opportunities to study, review, do more exercises. not everything can fall into place, sometimes you got to make it happen and do what you got to do.
how about drama? drama is defined as any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results by http://www.dictionary.com. as of now, i'm glad to say, i am drama free. i say, life is simple and there is no need to complicate it, especially with drama. i say it's cool to listen to other peoples drama, problems, feelings and emotions because it's always nice to help others and be a good and true friend. but if you're just listening, seeing, feeling things that affect or affects you in a way, small or big, you can always avoid the drama. you always have an opportunity to say yes or no. people can't get mad at you if you want to stay away from drama that affects you. you're just gonna feel down when you let the drama get to you. avoid it when you can, if you can. there's a difference between being a nice guy, who's always there but knows his limits and a too nice of a guy, who does whatever is asked of him, keeps whatever he's feeling only inside, slowly killing himself. life is simple, why complicate it? drama sucks. =)
so there... that's me keeping you updated.
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| reviews. |
[June 23rd 2007|11.56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
"The Invisible"
Category: Movies
Genre: Other
so far the best movie i enjoyed ever since the explosion of so called "Blockbusters" like Pirates of the Carribean and Oceans 13. it's much better actually. those movies are too hyped. i liked this movie a lot. it's cool and touching. it's also real because you can see how messed up the world is. you'll like it cause of the twists the movie gives you and the storyline and the characters too.
this movie got action and suspense. some sort of love and lessons to learn. i give it a 4.5 out of 5.
it's cool, it's cool.
"Disturbia"
Category: Movies
Genre: Horror
Distubia is cool. it's a freaky movie with some comedic scenes to ease the tension. i think it's a must watch. the guy is the guy from Even Stevens, i don't know how to spell his name cause it's malabo. haha. but he's cool. he's also in Transformers so he's even more cooler, he's also in Surf's Up. that makes him awesome. haha. i'm at lost for words. haha. i give it a 4.5 out of 5 also. the movie is cool. everything i anticipated.
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| tribute |
[June 23rd 2007|6.49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
P.S. i didn't write this. a nice guy wrote this.
P.P.S. this IS NOT ABOUT ANYTHING. i'm not complaining about anything. i like being a nice guy and i wouldn't want to change that. it's nothing more than the fact i like how it's written and how i can relate, nothing less either. i just like whatever the writer wrote. it's amazing. it's exact. and i can relate.
P.P.P.S. oh how i wish i wrote this.
This is a tribute to nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on my old campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools, the only conclusion I can form is that some girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
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| life quote. |
[June 16th 2007|11.57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
i'm too lazy and uninspired to type the prized fish story, again. it was long. real long and it got deleted in a second. =| so i'll type it when i feel like it. it's cool i don't feel like typing it anymore. haha.
anyways... i made a quote. it goes like this.
take on life with your eyes closed. that way you can say you didn't expect anything.
life is crazy. teehee. =)
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| stupidity. |
[June 16th 2007|3.36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
arrrrgh...
i typed a really long short story about a prized fish and fishing. it got erased.
i'll just do it some other time again... but it was really really long. =|
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| looking for inspiration. |
[June 12th 2007|10.00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
i haven't wrote anything useful here in a long long time. the last time was like the start of summer. i really want to write again, i think i got writer's block or something. i'll start writing again real soon. maybe tomorrow? haha.
it's all about finding the right words to say.
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| advice. |
[March 3rd 2007|11.53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
this is david de padua's palanca to me. it was edited and all so that it can be shown to the general public viewers eyes.
so read em' and weep.
January 25, 2007
Hi Jim,
I don’t know much about what’s been going on with you now except that you like(LIKED) a girl and that you baked a cake with someone, and that you have a chance to go prom with the super hot someone. Haha. That much I know, but I don’t know much beyond that so I’ll just make references to days we’re both familiar with. The Golden Year, The Year of the King, Hyperbirds, First Year! Haha
You were always a remarkable character Jim, and I always enjoy seeing you. It’s fun to hang out with you, weirdo ka eh! Haha But more than that, I’m very comfortable around you and I don’t have to put up any walls when I speak to you and that’s a quality that is very rare. Like for instance, when I talk to some people, I have to avoid the topic of girls because it makes them uncomfortable, stuff like that, with you there’s no such thing. That’s why you’re cool!
We know that was 1st year was a very eventful year. We were so carefree and all we could care about was the next kagaguhan. I don’t even remember ever having a hard time academically. I know that has changed, third year is a bitch. If you compare what we were like back then to who we are now, you will definitely find that you’ve come a long way, you’ve matured in many ways I’m sure and you might even look back and see yourself as totoy. Haha, ok lang yan, we all were. But the reason why I bring it up is because it will help you realize how much we aren’t all that we think we are. When we were in first year I thought I couldn’t mature much more, that I came to a point in maturity wherein I couldn’t progress much more and clearly I was wrong. There was still so much more to be learned, so much more to be experienced. But by looking back, and seeing how my attitude towards life and my way of thinking has developed and changed so greatly, I can definitely say I wasn’t mature enough. Lesson here Jim is that we’re never ever as bulletproof as we think we are. That we’re vulnerable like anybody else. There’s so much more to be learned and experienced and there’s no reason why we should rush into things we will encounter later on in our lives anyway. We’re still growing boys let’s live life that way. =)
that is why i love david de padua. this palanca gives me strength for some reason. the last part touched me, i can't explain it. it's just i can relate to what he said. and it seems to make things better somehow. maybe i would have cried to this palanca if i didn't read it before the retreat. =| i shouldn't have read it before the retreat.
i was chatting with mapa the other day. he and i were sharing kwento. having an asma moment. then i mentioned, i need to find the other half of my heart and that my heart hurts. then we had a debate.
p.s. edited version.
he said, "don't waste your time on one girl, unless she's really the one!"
(ummm... mapa doesn't mean to sound like a bad person. i know he meant if you don't feel it, if you can't feel anything; why get stuck on one girl if nothing is happening? just move on and find the right one.)
jm said, "tangina mo."
jm said, "haha."
jm said, "you'll never know naman if she's really the one until you try dude."
he said, "hahaha. i meant..."
jm said, "haha. yeah, i got what you meant."
jm said, "what if it was, and i didn't do anything?"
jm said, "so i did stuff."
jm said, "to find out whether it is or it isn't."
now i know better. i guess i fall to fast, i fall too hard.
but now, i quote from the Foo Fighters, "I'm the generator. Firing whenever you quit. Yeah, whatever it is. You go out and it's on. Yeah, can't you hear my motored heart? You're the one that started it."
i don't get Incubus' song, "Wish You Here Here".
He's happy that whoever he wants is not there but he wants her there? Eeeee.
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| crazy day. |
[February 26th 2007|10.10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
] |
today, today, today. it was a roller coaster, it had its ups and downs.
here's a list.
first period of the day; Filipino. i thought it would be the normal Filipino class, everyone making noise causing little discussion but i found today's period productive. and slowly but surely Mr. Paz is winning me over. he's showing me why he's a teacher. we had a discussion about poems. he said you don't always need to write about something deep, he said let it flow, write about anything. he also emphasized making the reader see whatever you are picturing. if you wanna write about something being sticky, you can write as: itsverysticky. you can write it this way because it shows words "stuck" together. so i was impressed. then he decided to let us write a poem. i wasn't in the mood so i used my smarts and twisted and i wrote a short poem.
it went like this:
"Malapit"
Malapit na... Summer.
i thought he would accept it from what we inferred through Mr.Paz the whole school year but no, he didn't. he told me to change it and felt i was lazy. he told me to add stuff, he said it to the whole class. it was deep. so i made a revision.
the poem went like this:
"Palayo"
Malapit na. Marso.
Malapit na.. Eksaminasyon.
Malapit na... Bakasyon.
Malapit na.... Bagong Skwelang Taon.
Malapit na..... Mga Pang Kolehiyong Eksaminasyon.
Malapit na...... Gradyuwasyon.
Malapit na....... Ikaw at Ako?
yeah... sir told me to put the last part. i just rephrased it. he said a whole list of "malapit na" then in the end he said "pero malayo ka pa rin". and the whole class was like "Woah!", deep shit.
Math was the second period, i think; i hope i did okay in the quiz. i need it.
Then Recess came after Math.
Then Science. it was okay for awhile until i slept. =|
Then Computer. Computer =|. i'm currently failing the 3rd term but i'm gonna pass the year because i got high marks during the first two terms. the problem is, i don't want to just pass. i want to get high, it's all up to the exam project. eeerrr, i dunno if i'm gonna get it. i know that i don't get it, i know, i admit it. but my partner says he can do it but eeerrr. let's see. give him the benefit of the doubt. cause he should of just stuck to the plan.
Then Homeroom, all reminders about having 2 weeks left. i felt emo then. it was because of the Computer class thing, my partner and grades and all. plus knowing what my math grades are. =|
Then Lunch. i had fun, stu and miko cheered me up. i told them no emo cause it's just gonna get me down, so we sang RnB songs while doing our English Compositions. it was fun and funny. we sang old school songs. i sang "i wanna know" by joe. then stu sang "angel of mine" by monica. then miko sand "you got it bad" by usher. then we sang "what if" by baby face, we also sang "brown eyes" by destiny's child. i know we sang more but i can't remember right now. so yeah, i had fun.
Then English. i slept through the discussion. then woke up for the test. got a perfect 10 for the quiz which was on the discussion then got with miko, sean and stu for our project.
Dismissal. We went home.
Then i went jogging! oh yes. =)
then studied for awhile.
then here?
yeah. the end.
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| metaphorically. |
[February 25th 2007|1.01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
picture playing in a championship basketball game where it seems everything is not going your way. from being the underdogs, to not having home-court advantage. from your team being incomplete to start the game making your starting 5 in the last seconds. even the referees are playing against you. in your mind, you know, this game feels weird.
then the game commences. all these circumstances pile up on you and your team. suddenly you find yourself in a hole, you're down by a big margin. the other team is up 20 to 30 points by the end of the first half. during halftime, you know it's make or break, it's a do or die thing. in you, you know that whatever limit your mind sets; if it says no, you know your heart has no boundaries. so you decide to give everything after the halftime break. your goal is to try to trim down the lead in order to get a close score making winning possible.
during that 3rd quarter of play, you show what you got. what kind of person you are. you keep scoring and continue playing good defense. but the problem is, everything is not going your way. from the calls of referees, to the miss shots your teammates took after you gave them a nice pass. from unforced turnovers to making a simple layup. what do you feel? don't you feel exhausted? you give your all and still you see and feel that every little thing is not going your way and in your mind you know it's not going to, it's never going to. and in that moment you have a choice. a choice of continuing giving your all, knowing what the outcome will be, which is a loss and wasted effort and energy. or just play it out, wait for that buzzer to end knowing that you would and could not have done anything to change the outcome.
don't get me wrong. don't question me about my heart, especially in basketball. when i play basketball, i give my all, 100% and more because i know where i came from. i know that i came from the end of that bench, knowing that i would not have played a lot of my games if i did not step up, use my heart. i started playing with heart, knowing that no one can stop me, no one can beat me and my team. having heart made me a winner in basketball. so don't question my heart.
knowing what i can do with my love and heart for basketball, i would still simply quit, play like it's not a real game. play like it's just some pick-up game. waste time, wait for that buzzer knowing you were saved by the bell. the fact that nothing is going your way is already a factor to be seriously considered. i mean if it isn't there then it isn't. you can't change the outcome. maybe, playing hard will change peoples minds about you but will it change their minds about who won the game. will playing hard and losing make you a winner. the fact that FATE and EVERYTHING else including the other team is against and doesn't like you makes a good point of just simply quitting. quit on the game you love, quit on the game of love. just play out the game, knowing there will be better. hoping there will be better.
the sad thing is, i'm losing to someone younger than me.
so here i am saying... i quit. i'm gonna play this one out until it's over. i feel everything is against me, including the trophy and championship. the trophy is even showing me that she doesn't want me and it's just teasing me, telling me to do my best, knowing exactly i want it. and i, a fool for its aura, knowing exactly it wants some other team to win it.
edit.
i'm not stupid.
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| i think i can see. |
[February 20th 2007|10.04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
epiphany
| 1. | (initial capital letter ) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day. |
| 2. | an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity. |
| 3. | a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. |
| 4. | a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight. |
tell her these eyes see too clearly...
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| stick with the fad. |
[February 11th 2007|9.11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
everyone's writing about prom. so i'mma write about it too. haha
went to Poveda Prom, actually crashed. haha
i was wearing a baby blue collared shirt with jeans and my vans shoes. i was more dressed then my partner in crime sean who wore a not collared t-shirt. tsk tsk. haha
it was fun. =)
met a bunch of people. loads of them. =D
the guys from Magic 89.9 MC-ed the thing. Si Mojo Jojo and Mo Twister. i wish Andi9 was there or Maui Taylor too. hahaha. =)
hangout with Katin and her friends?
Katin's the best even though i know something. hahaha.
all in all.
prom was fun. haha. Arabian theme.
the end.
=)
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| tell her these eyes see too clear. |
[February 11th 2007|1.34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 i don't know |
] |
haven't blogged in a looooooooong time.
i've just been writing and doodling a lot with my notebook, writing whatever i want freely.
i just wanna say, i don't know.
i've been trying, doing all i can.
trying my best to do whatever to get closer.
maybe... it isn't enough?
maybe there's too much going on in our lives.
maybe it's too complicated.
there are so many obstacles.
it's too far.
is it?
it's just a number.
is it too big a number?
the others are too many.
is it all the same?
the question is... is what i feel strong enough to overcome these obstacles?
i think so...
but i'm not sure if i can keep fighting these obstacles
again and again, over and over.
maybe i can... i don't know.
how'd it end up like this?
i dunno. i dunno.
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| i always want what i can't have |
[November 26th 2006|9.51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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could care less |
] |
i just wanna say, i want to say so much things.
but if i did, it would take me hours to make kwento why i feel the way i feel. i don't like showing everyone what i write, just the people that i feel should read what i write. the ones that care i guess.
i seem to try writing but it ends up rhymie; it either becomes deep one liners or emo poems. i can't seem to just write something free flowing. i seem to have a writers block. i think its because i think too much, my thinking is mixing up with what i'm feeling.
tons of stuff has happened. more stuff is happening. i wonder what else is going to happen.
i don't like listening to emo songs as of late because i don't like the way the lyrics are always so connected to what you're feeling. i don't like how it kills you more and more inside, it's tormenting. as of now, i listen to rap and r'n'b mostly, house and electronica sometimes. how can the lyrics of Ice Cube featuring Snopp Dogg and Little John of the song Go To Church make you feel worse when they're singing, "When You're a Scared Mother Fucker Go to Church"? It sorta just gets you in the mood. sometimes r'n'b gets you happy too, like Sean Paul's Temperature. it just makes you feel loose and without a care.
it's sad that i know why i have this so called change of concept. it's sad that i know i'm just trying to get distracted and avoid things. i made a list of things to keep me busy.
first i wanna loose weight. i wanna get a little bit thinner and leaner, get some fat out; not that i'm fat to begin with but thinner. i'm gonna do this by trying to eat less carbohydrates and all. it's either that or eat one meal a day. anorexic much? =|
then secondly i want to run for honors this last term. i NEED it for college. i KNOW in my heart i can do it. just go back to old ways of studying and working hard for something i want. i know i can do it but the only thing that ever stopped me in academics and in basketball is myself. i need discipline, time management, selfcontrol and focus and i'll trade it for my laziness. by the way, Batch 2008, is it just me or do i feel old? i keep thinking i'm going to be 17, i'm going to be 4th year and soon i'll be enrolling for a college. =|
and also, i want to go back to my basketball. i really feel incomplete without it. i want to feel that feeling again. i want to feel that large crowd screaming when you make a play. i want to smile whenever i do something that surprises me. i want to smile at the opponent when he does something to me and go back down the court and try to take back what he did. i want to hold up my hand whenever i shoot a three. i want to shout, "and one". i want to feel the beating a team when they called you an underdog. i want to have and feel that team-family concept again. i want to feel that dominance i once did, the feeling that no one can stop you, no matter how big, tall, strong and skilled; you're still gonna whoop they're ass. i want everything that comes with basketball. i'm older and wiser now. before i never had discipline, i never sacrificed for the sport. but now that i'm older and my time is running short i know what i have to do. i just wish i realized it sooner. i'm going to start before it's too late to do anything. i HAVE, WANT and NEED to get into a team. i know i'm better then most of those guys, it's just the coach not giving me a chance, not looking at what i can do.
i want to save money. i don't know why, i just want to. teehee. =)
i want, need to go to confession. it's been so long since i once felt that feeling of being clean. i want to feel it once again, get back in God's good graces. maybe it would help me with everything else.
lastly, i wanna find someone special. maybe before prom... teehee. right. =|
my point is, it's been too long. i can't lie and wait forever. i'm not stupid. i can think of so much reasons why not to and i only have one reason of why to go for it, but i think that one reason weighs as much, even more then all those other negative reasons. the only thing stopping me is the thought of it being useless if it's one sided. i can't change you're mind, i can't force you to have feelings you don't really have. why not just keep the friendship i am happy with. let's just keep whatever we have right now cause it's not broken, it's fine, why fix it? why change it? so that's what i want. i hope you read this. if you don't get to read this, i hope you feel that that's what i want. i think it's for the better. i told you everything already and i was ready to get over you but that reply changed and stalled my mindset for a while but now that i know what i want, i'm just going to work through it, i'm going to get over you and at the same time keep close. it's not like my feelings for you ever affected our friendship. =) i'm not going to cut you off then and there, it isn't right, that's cowardly. it's wrong and hurtful. i ain't like that. i don't leave people behind. it would be selfish to do so.
the years about to end. i didn't expect this year to end the way it's ending because off the high i got from the end of last year. i'll be optimistic for a change.
oh well, there's always next year to look forward to.
-edit-
Dear Santa, i know i haven't been that good a boy for a long time but this Christmas can you make me an excemption and give me what i need and not what i want. i would love and truely believe that you exist if you could give me discipline, time management, selfcontrol and focus on Christmas day. it would help so so much. =)
Thanks, a needy child, JM.
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[November 19th 2006|11.18am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Chicosci – Conversations with Fire
i wish i could cut you off
i wish i could smother the flame
another sweet memory dies and this is the point where i say
we're better of nothing
i never found you, its my fault i wanted more than you were willing to give
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
all desperate plans are dropped and i live with an empty hands
soon i'll breathe new air but not without this tired lungs
so now i'm without you
i never found you, it's my fault i wanted more than you were willing to give
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
let's go!
goodbye, things would rather end than go on so go on
goodbye, things would rather end than go on so go on
so go on!
i never found you, it's my fault i wanted more than you were willing to give
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
take me, take me this wouldn't turn out right (if you won't hear tonight)
goodbye, things would rather end than go on so go on
goodbye, things would rather end than go on so go on
so go on…
-edit-
but if i did cut you off, it wouldn't be right. that's not the way.
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| the infatuation is always there |
[October 22nd 2006|2.24pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
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Isn't it crazy how i try to walk a way then get pulled back in just to get the same result? Isn't it ironic how the moment i showed you my heart, trying everything, pouring it all when your attention was on someone else. I've always said this was a rollercoaster ride, but now... i'm trying to get off, i had enough. Yes, i had fun and yes, i did feel that funny feeling inside but i don't think it's love that i felt anymore. I feel sick, i feel dizzy. Who knows, i'm confused...
"The infatuation is always there..."
What i understand about love: "Love is something that you just fall into"
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| Am i too late now? Will I find a way to get to you somehow? |
[October 15th 2006|3.02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
Subject: "Letter to You" and my Application.
i just want to know if i ever have the chance to catch your eye, to capture your heart. that's all i'm asking. a sign, i don't care how big or how small. a sign is all i'm asking.
there are a million things on my mind, a million things that i want to do and a million more things i want to say to you. something that has to do with Me and You is at the top of the list. i like you are the words on the tip of my tongue. maybe even three more words bigger and stronger than that. if its been said and done, not another word has to be said. It's over with, "smiles are all I need from You."
"those three words are said to much, it's not enough", what separates me from all the others? from the start, my feelings were and are still true. my intentions are good and are true. from the very core to the outer skin; it's all true, it's all me. what do i have to gain out of this but your heart and more importantly your love? i'll be here with open arms, i'll be there everyday from the moment i wake up to the time you fall asleep or maybe i'll be there whenever you feel like you need me, it depends on what you prefer. i does not matter, as long as you know i'm there. just like the phase we're going through now. you know i'm just here, waiting. "I know you know everything..."
would it matter if i told you how i felt? how i probably still feel? would it even affect you in some way? even just a smile is fine. just show me i meant something. maybe, what i still mean. i can't say that i didn't want more. sometimes this bliss from our friendship is enough but other times it makes you think of this fantasy, if we weren't friends but something more...
it wouldn't feel right if it wasn't you, love unspoken is the easiest way to a broken heart.
P.S. sometimes a fantasy can become reality. but it won't happen till someone steps up and takes the responsibility.
P.P.S. i put my heart out for you in these few lines, hope you read it. " this mix could burn a hole in anyone
but it was you i was thinking of"
To: You
from: JM
"A New Tattoo"
Great moments they pass by
If you’re careless
Desperately trying to speak the words
I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.
Tongue tied, every time I try to talk to you
In time, I’ll find the right line.
Caught a glimpse of you
I tremble every time you walk by
Hopelessly trying to find a way
To be near you, to get near you.
In my mind, plays thoughts of you all the time
I’ll find the right line…
I’ll bleed for you
Like a new tattoo in my heart
You’ll stay permanent…
Am I too late now?
Will I find a way to get to you somehow?
She’s breaking me down again
She’s breaking me down.
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jay_ema6's journal
sleepy